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Grieving is a personal experience. It is not appropriate to criticize a person’s expression of their grief.
Rather than criticize, learn how to help someone grieving.
1. Listen
Oftentimes, the best thing you can do for someone grieving is just to be there. Listening is one of the most important ways you can support a friend or loved one through grief, and it can be easier than you might think. When you’re with a friend or family member who is grieving, try to avoid distractions like the TV or your phone and focus on listening actively. It can be helpful to ask questions and share your own experiences with loss but remember that everyone grieves differently. It is also important to keep in mind that grief doesn’t have a timeline, and it is normal to continue feeling the effects of loss for months, years, or even decades afterward.
Many people find themselves at a loss for what to say to a grieving person, so they might steer clear of the subject altogether or change the topic as soon as the deceased’s name is mentioned. This can be a difficult experience for the bereaved, as they may feel isolated and alone in their grief. Instead, it’s important, to be honest with your friend or loved one and let them know that you are there for them to talk about their feelings at any time.
It is also important to acknowledge their emotions, no matter how irrational they may seem, and to validate their feelings. You might say something like, “I’m sorry to hear that, and I can understand how hard it must be for you.” This shows that you are a good listener and that you care about them and their experience. In addition to a caring presence, you might offer your help with practical things like running errands or preparing meals and be available for them when they need you.
2. Offer Support
The bereaved may experience many emotions following the death of a loved one. They may cry, become angry or even feel guilty. The most important thing is for them to know they can express their feelings without judgment. A simple statement such as “I understand how difficult it can be to be around these emotions” will help them to feel understood and supported.
The grieving process can last much longer than people expect. Your friend or family member may need your support months or years after the funeral and other mourners have gone their way. Consider continuing to check in on them periodically, dropping by, or sending cards and letters. You may also want to invite them to meals in the future, especially for special occasions like the first anniversary of their loss or a deceased loved one’s birthday.
Sometimes, the bereaved are resistant to moving on with their lives because they feel this means forgetting their loved ones. This is a normal part of the healing process. However, you can be a helpful voice of reason and encourage them to move forward at their own pace.
Grieving individuals often seek solace in their faith. You can encourage them to pray or meditate and attend church services if they are religious. Alternatively, you can suggest other spiritual activities that provide comfort, like painting, writing, or knitting. It can also be beneficial for the bereaved to maintain healthy habits and engage in regular physical activity.
You may also be able to offer them help with practical tasks such as running errands, shopping, making dinner, or taking care of children or pets. This type of support can be extremely valuable during a time when they are most vulnerable.
3. Offer to Drive
Provides a range of support services for people dealing with grief and loss, including one-on-one meetings with counselors, supportive phone calls, bereavement seminars and educational opportunities, and group support for adults and children. Also offers caregiver support groups, pet loss support and events and workshops, a resource library, and training on grieving etiquette.
When someone you know experiences a serious loss, offer to help them with daily activities that are difficult for them to manage on their own. For example, you could offer to drive them to doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping, or other errands. Dr. Cormier said this can take some of the pressure off and allow them to focus on their own grief journey.
You may feel awkward or unsure of what to say. But remember that your presence is more than enough. Your loved one is struggling with intense emotions, so don’t try to fix them or talk about how you would handle the situation differently. Be patient and let them cry if they need to.
Cormier says that grief can last months, even years, depending on a person’s unique circumstances and the relationship with the person who died. And it can be especially difficult for those with fewer resources who have to cope with “living losses,” like lack of employment.
Penn Highlands Community Nurses Hospice has a variety of support groups, including GriefShare, a 13-week seminar and support group session that is self-contained each time. The group is open to anyone grieving the loss of a family member, friend, or coworker. Additionally, the program has age-specific peer support groups for kids, teens, and adults.
4. Offer to Help
Grieving individuals often find themselves struggling to manage daily responsibilities. You can give them a much-needed break by offering to help with chores or other tasks. Providing emotional support may also help them through this difficult time. However, avoid pressuring them to “get over it” or put a timeline on their healing process. Grieving takes as long as it needs to.
While grief is a natural and universal part of life, many factors influence how one experiences it. Cultural influences, personal beliefs and values, and the nature of the loss itself can all significantly impact the grieving process. For example, those who have experienced a traumatic death or death by suicide can find it particularly challenging to make sense of their grief and may need additional guidance from a mental health professional.
In addition to a trusted bereavement program, funeral homes offer a number of resources to provide families with support throughout the entire bereavement journey. These can include grief counseling services, resource libraries, and referrals to local bereavement support groups. Many funeral homes also provide community-specific resources such as our Youth & Funerals and Grieving Alone & Together community resources. Designed with insight and expertise from bereaved parents, funeral services, and grief professionals, these resources can help foster an atmosphere of compassion and understanding within their communities.
5. Offer to Be There
Knowing what to say when someone you care about experiences grief is difficult. You may feel afraid to say the wrong thing or think that you don’t have anything helpful to add. But remember that everyone grieves differently and for different lengths of time.
Be patient, and don’t be afraid to just sit with them. It’s important to allow the bereaved to experience their feelings, even if those feelings seem irrational or out of place. Be willing to listen without judging and be available for phone calls, visits, or meals. Creating rituals or dedicating time to honor the deceased can be comforting. This can include visiting a special place, lighting a candle, or participating in activities that they enjoyed. If the bereaved have a difficult time coping with their emotions, reaching out to a mental health professional, such as a grief counselor or therapist, can be very beneficial.
The bereaved will likely receive a flood of calls, cards, and emails after the funeral. Help them keep track of these by offering to take messages or to read and reply to emails. It can also be helpful to offer to make calls to extended family or friends who may not have been able to attend the funeral.
Encourage the bereaved to reach out to a support group for those who have experienced similar losses. Grief can be lonely, and it is often comforting to be able to talk to others who understand the depth of your pain.
