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Right now, March Madness is back. Millions of people will spend weeks watching college basketball, and probably watch their brackets get busted. There are some impressive players in action this time of year, but it got us wondering. If all the ‘90s Nicktoons characters were competing in basketball, who would be the best of the bunch? There’s only one way to figure it out.
First, we must remember these are all characters who debuted on Nickelodeon in the ‘90s. That means Wanda and Cosmo aren’t included, so their magic can’t give them an upperhand here. Also, only animated characters count. No Telly from Salute Your Shorts. No Alfie from My Brother and Me. A few characters can be written off right away. The kids from Rugrats are toddlers with little motor skill. They have no chance. We don’t think any of the adults in that show seem particularly good at basketball either, but Phil and Lil’s mom might have some moves. Speaking of too small to do any damage on the court, that writes off all of the SpongeBob folks as well.
Thunder Girl from Kablam! can fly, but she’s also a toy, so she’s too small. Doug Funnie doesn’t seem particularly athletic, but not we’re getting closer. Skeeter isn’t a bad athlete, but what about Chalky Studabaker? He’s the star athlete at his school. He may be a kid, but most of these characters are. Nickelodeon is a channel for children, after all. Speaking of good athletes, the crew from Rocket Power have athletic skill, but they are focused on extreme sports. They may not really have it on the court.
We could imagine Heffer from Rocko’s Modern Life using his size on the court to dominate, but he seems too stupid and spaced out to concentrate on the game. Really, Really Big Man would probably be great at basketball, but he’s fictional. Is Powdered Toast Man fictional? Maybe, but he doesn’t seem like a basketball player. Icky from Aaahh!!! Real Monsters could grow large, but only at times. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have much going for him on the court.
In the end, is there an option better than Chalky? Is he the best basketball players from the world of ‘90s Nicktoons? It certainly seems that way. All we know is that if Nickelodeon tried to put a team together for March Madness, they would almost definitely be a 16 seed. There’s not a lot of talent here.eff
