I am not a hot take factory. I do not set out to make incendiary statements. However, I am unabashed about my opinions. Sometimes feathers will be ruffled. I do not want to be a Scrooge. There are so many really good Christmas movies. I want you to have a Merry Christmas. Also, I want you to know that A Christmas Story is pure garbage and the worst thing about the holidays. It’s the celluloid equivalent of Paul McCartney’s “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime.” I cannot stand A Christmas Story, and it’s to such a degree I have a hard time figuring out what people like about it.
You know the movie. It gets shoved down our throats every Christmas. I think it’s TBS that marathons it for 24 hours, because they hate you and want you to be unhappy. It’s got a bunch of people you don’t care about in it, and also Darren McGavin who is really good in Kolchak: The Night Stalker. There’s the Red Ryder BB gun and the tongue on the pole and all that garbage. Ugh, I regret that I felt so compelled to express my contempt for A Christmas Story I have to think about it right now.
This movie is so boring. Nothing interesting happens. Nothing funny happens. All the jokes are so lame and “wry” and are some Garrison Keiller-style nonsense. It’s supposed to be some slice-of-life quaintness but it’s so lame. I will admit that’s not necessarily an area of entertainment I’m into generally, but this is still a bad version of it. What is entertaining that happens in this movie? Maybe that leg lamp? That’s kind of specific and funny at least. The rest of it is just drivel, and they even beat that leg lamp into the ground. God, it’s such a slog to even imagine sitting through this boring pile of hot trash where not a single entertaining thing happens. It’s not even really relatable, either! At least not in interesting ways.
Also, the movie looks terrible. I hate the aesthetics of this film. It’s nauseating. It’s like some Norman Rockwell acid trip or something. Like, I couldn’t even watch this movie on mute without having my skin crawl. The voiceover is terrible. All the voiceover dialogue is even worse than the rest of it. Oh, and now the Chinese restaurant stuff doesn’t even come close to holding up. It feels fitting it’s in this movie, though, because it’s clearly written by some out-of-touch douchebag patting himself on the back about the glories of a bygone era. Your era sucks, and you suck.
A Christmas Story is worse than any other Christmas movie. It’s worse than the Jim Carrey How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I can’t stand a single thing about it. Why does this movie resonate in people? Why do you lunatics that like it enjoy it? There is no silver lining here. Nothing to enjoy about it. It’s just drivel. I love the Christmas season, but I wish that A Christmas Story never had to be part of it for even a second.