The Movie Turkeys Of 2019

At Thanksgiving, turkey is good. Well, unless you’re a vegetarian. Everybody else, though, it probably going to chow down on at least a bit of turkey on Turkey Day. However, outside of the Thanksgiving paradigm, “turkey” can mean something different. If something is bad, you can call it a “turkey.” Bad movies, in particular, are often called turkeys. So here are some cinematic turkeys from 2019 to celebrate Thanksgiving!

Have you seen Serenity? If you haven’t, you’ve certainly heard somebody talk about it incredulously! I want to tell you what happens in it so bad, to give you a big reveal that is staggeringly dumb but is also a major spoiler. The movie came out in January, though, so I think it’s fair. Brace yourself for a spoiler: The entire movie is a computer game being played by a teenager who is contemplating killing his stepfather. It is so freaking nuts.

I hear Alita: Battle Angel isn’t that bad of a movie. I haven’t heard it’s good, but if you like gonzo action movies with a quasi-anime flavor, it could be for you. It’s not for me, though, because of the fact they decided to give Alita big anime eyes for no good reason.

Do you even remember that Tim Burton remade Dumbo? That happened! Before Aladdin, The Lion King, and Lady and the Tramp that happened. They also remade Pet Semetary. And Hellboy. Maybe that last one was more of a reboot. Nobody seemed to care, though. Apparently we only want to see David Harbour as Hopper.

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Pour one out for Dark Phoenix, which may have killed the X-Men series. Well, until Marvel decides to reboot it and introduce mutants to their cinematic universe. People love that comic book storyline. Nobody seems to be able to make it into a good movie, though. It’s now ended two different X-Men series.

The movie Stuber exists for one reason. Uber exists, and Stu is a name. What if a guy named Stu drove an Uber? And that joke was enough to give you a (terrible) movie title? I assume they thought of this first, and then came up with a movie to support the idea.

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The Fanatic stars John Travolta and is directed by Fred Durst. Need I say more? This may be the biggest turkey of the year. Travolta would have looked less ridiculous in the film if he had wore a turkey on his head like Mr. Bean.

Sylvester Stallone made a Rambo movie that would have probably gone over alright in 1984. Unfortunately for him, it’s 2019. People who saw it were mostly bored, and frankly a little grossed out. It’s a nasty, unpleasant movie with nothing at its heart.

The Addams Family, in addition to being weirdly animated, features Snoop Dogg as Cousin Itt. Actually, maybe that’s kind of inspired in a dumb way. This is a turkey, but perhaps an admirable one.

There you go. There are the movie turkeys of the year. Some of them, at least. You may have your own picks. You may disagree with mine. Fortunately, this is the internet. It’s not hard to make your voice heard.

About Chris Morgan

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2 comments

  1. Funny article but just want to defend Alita. It seems a bit of an absurd reason not to see a beautiful movie like Alita: Battle Angel because of the eyes. It’s a heartfelt classic and you won’t see it because of some circlejerk against her artfully stylised face? She has bigger eyes for reasons that do make sense if you took the time to look into it instead of being cynical and dismissive. She is an URM Berserker, the last of her kind, from Mars. Gelda (Michelle Rodriguez) also has big eyes in the flashback because she is an URM berserker too. In the Manga she is the only one with big eyes, it makes her unique and she is an absolutely beautiful artistic creation. Alita herself is a technical achievement that if you watch the movie you will be amazed at how believably real she is, with Rosa Salazar’s incredible performance and the expressive eyes (Rosa’s eyes scaled up 1.25x) make her so emotionally compelling, it makes the use of CGI artistic instead of a mathematical copy of an actor or nature, there is no uncanny valley for most people, it is a VFX landmark and this attitude towards it from many in the media is really unfair and immature.

  2. Alita Battle Angel is a great movie. The eyes are only an issue for a minute into the movie, at most. For anyone wondering if they should give Alita a shot: yes, you should!

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