Today will no doubt mark the deluge of about a million and one bad pun headlines about those majestic creatures known as eagles and, I suppose, this one is not much different in that regard. For it was last night’s episode of the Fox network’s hit show The Masked Singer that sent the Eagle flying on home. Y’see, it’s almost impossible to stop the puns, uhm, flying.
That bit of bad vaudeville out of the way, let’s get down to the matter at hand: Last night’s episode of The Masked Singer offered up drama, suspense, laughter, cheese (no crackers, sadly) and a little pathos.
In only the third episode of The Gong Show for the 2019 set, the last four mysterious contestants made their sort-of awaited debut by performing an array of song and dance moves that would have left Fred Astaire confused. The Penguin, the Fox, the Eagle and the Flower all tripped the light fantastic knowing that at least one of them was about to go the way of All-Flash; which is to say eliminated, chopped, terminated, fired, discharged and plain old elbowed out of America’s newest sensation, thus joining the long line of other discarded fads such as Pet Rocks and a stable American economy. Oh well, C’est la vie.
Amidst all of this drama came the usual banter from our esteemed panel of judges who look for all the world like the Almost-Rans from an off-off Broadway production of 12 Angry Men. Yes, I’m looking at you Robin Thicke, Jenny McCarthy, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger. Thicke in particular looks constantly distracted, as if he’s hoping good friend Leonardo DiCaprio might be nearby to throw him a lifeline that leads him to a luxury yacht in a secluded corner of the world with frolicking Bavarian models rather than leaving him alone to face the blazing white lights of the Hollywood purgatory that is the set for The Masked Singer. The chit-chat between judges is empty and calorie-laden, much like that pizza I broke my diet with last week. Yet it does have a cheesy appeal as the judges vacantly predict just what disgraced Hollywood celebrity might be hiding behind all of the feathers and tiaras as they check their cell phones furtively for anything more important than a giant Flower doing the Macarena spastically across the stage floor.
After the aforementioned Flower paid homage to Dolly Parton and the considerably serious dance moves of the Penguin entertained the studio audience, the gavel fell down with a resounding thud and sentence was pronounced, condemning the Eagle to banishment from The Masked Singer, this after an inspired and freewheeling rendition of Meatloaf’s call to cheese, I’d Do Anything for Love. Once final judgment was cast, the Eagle stood unmasked as the one and only Doctor Drew Pinsky, late of Celebrity Rehab. The irony that the good doctor has probably treated half of the Hollywood crowd responsible for The Masked Singer was not lost on this former VH-1/Celebrity Rehab addict.
I’m being a bit tough on The Masked Singer because I have yet to see them fully embrace the cheese fest they have on their hands. Acceptance of this detail might actually elevate the show to new heights of cheesy goodness and I suggest an immediate placement of Corey Feldman either behind the judge’s table (goodbye one Hollywood airbrushed trifle, hello to the one and only Mouth who brought us the national treasure of a song, Go 4 It) or breakdancing as a Frog (in tribute not only to King of Pop Michael Jackson, but also to The Lost Boys. Look it up.).
The Masked Singer continues to delight even as it confounds the senses. Who’s up for fourth helpings?