10 ‘Game of Thrones’ Predictions From Somebody Who Has Only Seen The Pilot

The end of Games of Thrones is nigh. Millions of people will be watching. This is one of the rare television pieces of monoculture left. You’ve been hearing about the series finale for weeks. This final season of the HBO show has been slathered all over social media and pop culture sites. Tons of people are super pumped for this. I am not one of them.

I tried, of course. I had heard some stuff about these popular George R.R. Martin books, and I had access to HBO, so I watched the pilot. And it suuuuuuucked. Not only was it gross, it was boring. Sean Bean and Peter Dinklage can’t save everything. I had zero interest in watching a second episode, and I haven’t. I have not watched a second of Game of Thrones since the pilot.

That being said, I have heard stuff. I am a pop culture writer by trade, after all. I have a sense of the show, the characters, and stuff that’s happening. I also know that none of this stuff that’s happening is from the books, because Martin is too busy being rich, wearing hats, and not knowing how to write well. And yet, I still want to be part of the conversation. I want to have my say. So here are 10 predictions I have for the Game of Thrones series finale. Maybe some of them aren’t even possible. I don’t care. When I’m right, remember me as a hero.

  1. Dragons will destroy a bunch of stuff

I know that dragons are part of the show. That woman whose name I don’t want to bother learning how to spell can control them or whatever. Didn’t she kill a bunch of people in the last episode? Were dragons involved? Anyway, you’ve got dragons, you use them to do cool dragon stuff.

  1. Peter Dinklage dies

He’s a Lannister, right? Is he still alive? I feel like I never hear about him. He’s won some Emmys for this show though. At least one. He could give a cool death scene I bet. He’s one of the guys on this show who actually knows how to act. I liked that one episode of 30 Rock he was on.

  1. Arya kills Cersei

People like Arya and don’t like Cersei, right? That’s what I gather. People would probably like to see the woman they like kill the woman they hate. Cersei is, like, the villain, right? Is she the leader of Westeros? Is this how it all works? That’s what the Iron Throne is all about I think. I’ve seen lots of photos on, like, Instagram and Facebook of people sitting on replicas of the Iron Throne. That’s why I know it exists.

  1. Jon Snow does something heroic

Look, I’m running out of characters I can name on this show already. Khal Drogo is dead, so I can’t say him. Unless he comes back as a ghost. Do ghosts exist in Game of Thrones? That’d be a pretty big thing to happen for the first time in the series finale. Bring back the ghost of Ned Stark too. Anyway, Jon Snow will do something good I bet.

  1. Actually, we DO see Ned Stark!

But maybe it’s like a fantasy or dream sequence or hallucination? Ned has some kids left alive. Isn’t one of them magic? I think we’ll get a Ned Stark visit like how Obi-Wan was always chilling and talking to Luke even after he died. You know who would fit in well in Westeros? Yoda. That’d be fun

  1. An entire city gets destroyed

Do cities exist in Westeros? I know there are, like, different kingdoms or whatever. I really don’t know how it words. I understand feudalism, though. I took history classes in high school and college. Shout out to the vassal lords out there! Anyway, if cities are a thing, one of them will get completely wiped out. I think maybe that happened in the last episode. People seemed bummed about something the dragon lady did.

  1. Are those wolves still around?

They are called direwolves or whatever, right? Is that one word or two? I don’t care. We should probably see them do stuff. I know they don’t compare to dragons, but big crazy wolf dogs are still kind of cool or whatever.

  1. Who is Bran?

I keep seeing his name a lot. What does he do? I guess this isn’t a prediction. So I’m going to give a prediction. Bran dies. I feel like a lot of people are going to die. Like, a whole bunch of people. A Rogue One level of main characters. But some people say Bran is also the Night King. I don’t know who that guy is either. Is there a Night Queen? And where does the Bob Seger song “Night Moves” fit into all of this?

  1. Somebody we didn’t know was magic turns out to be magic

That’s classic finale stuff. Somebody realizes the power was within them the whole time, and then they become really powerful and do a bunch of damage. I bet it’s a “good guy.” Or maybe not. The Game of Thrones guys seem like they are kind of into the whole misery porn thing. Also torture porn. And just regular porn. This show sucks. Why have you all been watching it for years? Did you watch Veep? That show was great! You should watch Barry too! There are good shows on HBO! Watch old episodes of The Larry Sanders Show for god’s sake!

  1. A bunch of people are going to be disappointed

You can take this prediction to the bank, and then the bank teller will be all like, “Please stop wasting my time.” There is no way that there isn’t going to be a lot of loud people on the internet complaining about the way Game of Thrones ends. Fans are weird. They are going to expect everything they ever wanted to see happen occur, and when they don’t they are going to get angry and go online and make a big to-do about it. And I will be relieved to not have to hear about this show anymore. At least that Starbucks cup thing happened. That was fun.

About Chris Morgan

Internet gadabout

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